The Myth of Single Dads

So, we know and hear about single mums (usually not in a good way; see my previous post below about the myths surrounding single mums), and equally we hear a lot of falsehoods about single dads. Here are some of those myths.

Myth One. All single dads are deadbeat dads. There is a general perception that if a family has become a “broken” family (I really hate that term. Sometimes the family is broken when the parents are together. But I digress) then it is the man’s fault. He must have cheated on her. Or not looked after her. Or mistreated her (physical violence, emotional violence, psychological violence, and so on). Whatever, it is All. His. Fault. In addition, there is a perception that if parents have separated, then the dad is certainly not paying child support. Or he is not paying enough child support. Or he refuses to have custody of the children on his allocated days. Let’s break this down.

Firstly, I’d like to put in a disclaimer. I will agree that some of the statements above can be true for some single dads, but they are not true of all single dads. For example, some men do abuse their female partners in many ways, and I am certainly not denying or minimising the incidence of domestic violence. Domestic violence is a crime that is perpetrated by men and women, against men and women. However, that’s not what this post is about. I’m acknowledging that some single dads have committed acts of violence against their partners. Some dads who still reside with their partner commit domestic violence too. However, not all single dads are guilty of this, and we should not put them all in the same box.

Some single dads do not pay child support, or they do not pay it on time, or they do not pay enough. However, some single dads do pay a fair share of child support, and they do pay it on time. Keep in mind that while you think that all single dads should be paying child support, you are reinforcing stereotypical parental roles based on gender. You should consider the possible variations of the stereotype where the dad works outside the home to support the stay at home mum who is in charge of all domestic duties including child rearing (a stereotype that applies to families regardless of whether they are single parents or not). It is possible, for example, that a single dad pays less support because the mum is the primary breadwinner, or perhaps he has custody more than she does.

The idea that a relationship has broken down and it is All His Fault is so ludicrous that I’m not going to waste valuable words on it. Sure, it’s at least partly his fault, partly her fault. Maybe it’s more his fault, maybe it’s more her fault. Each case is different, but just as I’ll say it’s not all her fault, it’s not all his fault either. So, in summary, I will agree, it’s true that some single dads are deadbeat dads, not all of them fall into this category.

Myth two. This is kind of associated with the above; the second myth is that single dads have acrimonious relationships with their ex-partner. That’s why they have split up, right? And probably he uses the children as a weapon, right? Both not always true. Let me give you an example from my research (yep, still unpublished and yes, I’m still working on that). A story I heard many times – many times – is the story told by Eve and Steve (not real names, I got them from a randomiser). Both Eve and Steve tell me they broke up because they no longer wanted to spend their lives together. They still respect each other, and they both put the interests of their children first. Sometimes they even get on better because they are no longer in a relationship. Of course, yes, some break ups are acrimonious, sometimes the dad uses the children to manipulate the mum (sometimes the mum uses the children to manipulate the dad). However, just because he’s a single dad, don’t assume he hates his ex-partner. Also, remember that apart from being a single dad because of separation/divorce, it’s possibly a result of his partner’s death. Now, before you all jump up and down and tell me that most single dads hate on their ex-partner and/or manipulate their ex via the children, let me tell you that this is not what I’m hearing when I’ve done my research. I would have spoken to 300+ single mums by now and 200+ single dads, and they mostly tell me that they have a good relationship with their ex and they both put their children first. That’s not to discount those of you who do not have that experience, nor am I minimising you if this is not your experience. I’m just saying that the idea that the nasty ex-husband manipulating his ex-wife via the children is not as dominant as you might think.

Myth three. The idea that single dads don’t know how to parent is definitely a myth. This comes from the misconception in general that men don’t know how to parent. The idea that men don’t know how to parent comes from the well ingrained misconception that men do not know how to be nurturers, and that women are the ones who look after children “right”. This is doing both parents a disservice. Women know how to parent. Men know how to parent. Women know how to work outside the home. Men know how to work outside the home. They may do it differently but that doesn’t mean they do it badly. I contend that dads, whether partnered or single are, like mums, doing the best they can with the tools they have. If you know a single dad, by all means, offer him a helping hand with school pick ups, baby sitting, or cooking a meal. Just don’t be patronising about it, and offer the same to your single mum friends.

Myth four. When the kids go to dad’s house, it’s all fun and games. There’s no rules, and he gets to be the fun parent, while the mum gets to be the disciplinarian. Think about that some more. That doesn’t even make sense. Even if the dad has custody for, say, just two days a week, it can’t be fun and games all the time. Nobody can sustain that sort of routine. It might be different rules at dad’s house than at mum’s house, but that doesn’t mean it’s all fun and games. It’s better if both parents can have similar rules and boundaries, because children thrive on consistency. Children like to know what the rules are because it helps them understand the consequences of their behaviour, and it also reminds them that their parents are there as a safety net.

Myth five. The final myth that I will be discussing here (and let’s face it, I could go on and on) is that single dads don’t care about their kids, and/or they don’t think about their kids when they don’t have them in their care. This is simply untrue, and largely nonsensical. Applying the same logic, it means that when parents are in paid employment outside the home, they don’t think about their children. Applying the same logic, it means that parents don’t think about their children when the children are at school, or the parents are away from home for a short time (for example, if they go away on holidays, or for work purposes). Applying the same logic, it means that parents don’t think about their adult children when the children leave home. It’s a ludicrous concept. The vast majority of single dads care deeply about their children, and they think about them often, even when physically separated.

So, in summary, what is my message about single dads? It’s the same message, really, as the message about single mums. Yes, there are a few bad eggs, but the majority of dads, single or partnered, are doing the best that they can with what they have got. Remember that nobody likes Judgy McJudgeface. Don’t be patronising, don’t be judgy, but extend a helping hand when you can to your single dad friends and your single mum friends. Let’s all try to do better by supporting each other, and build people up rather than tear them down.

 

The Myth of Single Mums

I read somewhere recently (and I have no idea where!) that families in Australia headed by single mothers are the ones that struggle the most. I’m not really surprised by this, and anyone who looks at the situation objectively would also not be surprised. Let’s look at it this way: there are, by definition, three types of families that involve dependent children (I contend that there are families that do not include dependent children, but that’s another blog post). Those three family types are headed by two parents, single mothers, or single fathers. I concede that within these groups, there are many variations, particularly for two parent families (traditional nuclear families headed by mum and dad, step-families, blended families, same sex parents, and so on).

Let’s look at each of these family types, briefly, in terms of support. Two parent families have each other for support. I’m not saying it is easy to be a parent of young children, but at least if you have another adult in the house, you have support in decision making, discipline, emotional support, and practical support, such as sharing school pick ups, taxiing children to events, supervision, and so on. Single fathers also have it tough for a number of reasons, but I contend that it is harder for single mothers than single fathers. Let me illustrate with this story. I hear this story, in its variant forms, frequently when I speak to parents.

Eva and Steve (these are not real names of participants in my research, I have chosen these names using a web-based randomiser) have two children aged 5 and 7 years old. Both Eva and Steve work outside the home, and they share childcare duties equally through some skillful juggling of the competing demands of their work lives and their home lives. Eva has to travel interstate for work purposes, and she will be absent from home for five nights. Through some epic juggling, Eva and Steve sort out the care of their children in Eva’s absence, because in that five days, Steve will be acting as a single parent. During Eva’s absence, Steve receives many offers of support from other parents at the school their children attend, from neighbours, friends, workmates, and family. This includes offers to drop the children off at school, pick the children up from school, provision of meals (“come to our place for dinner” or “would you like me to drop off a casserole?”), and childcare/spontaneous play dates. It also includes well meaning gatekeeping by other parents (“did you remember that tomorrow the children need to bring swimming gear to school?” and “don’t forget the assignment for Child 1 is due on Friday”). Some weeks later, Steve has to travel interstate for work purposes, and he will be absent from home for five nights. Through some epic juggling, Eva and Steve sort out the care of their children in Steve’s absence, because in that five days, Eva will be acting as a single parent. Do you know how many offers of help Eva gets? None. Nobody offers to drop the children at school, or pick the children up from school, or offers to drop around a casserole, or reminds Eva that the children need swimming gear the next day.

I’d like to say that this is an unusual story, but it is one that I hear over and over and over. Why is there such a different reaction to Steve as a single parent, and Eva as a single parent? In summary, it is because Eva, as a female, is deemed capable as a parent. Conversely, Steve, as a male, is deemed incapable of parenting “right”. It is because we (and yes, I’m generalising) assume that Eva will instinctively know how to parent, because she is naturally a nurturer, while Steve does not know how to be an effective parent, because his role in the family is to be a breadwinner. Think about that for a minute. I’ll wait.

This situation is not good for Evas or Steves. It pressures mothers to be “in charge” of the domestic sphere, even when she works outside the home, and it belittles fathers as being incompetent at parenting. All based on gender. It doesn’t seem to matter how many times you see a mother who happily agrees to let the father deal with all the parenting decisions, or how many times you see a father change a nappy without any fanfare, there is still an unspoken expectation that mothers instinctively know how to parent, while fathers do not. This is called “confirmation bias”, and it relates to ingrained stereotypes and belief systems.

Let me give you another example. Eva and Steve are at a public playground with their two children. One of the children falls over. Eva picks up the child, dusts her off, gives her a reassuring hug, and the child runs off to continue playing. Nobody says anything. I doubt that the whole scenario would even register on anyone’s consciousness. However, if it is Steve who picks the child up, dusts her off, and gives her a reassuring hug, there is often a murmur about how Steve is a “good” dad, and there are looks of approval between other adult onlookers. If you think I’m exaggerating, go down to your local playground this weekend and just watch the interactions (Warning: This can be considered Incredibly Creepy unless you have a small child in tow, and Highly Suspicious if you are male).

Now think about this in the context of single mothers and single fathers. I contend that single mothers receive less social support in their parenting role than single fathers receive. This is not actually even a theory, it is a result of my (as yet unpublished) research. My research (sorry, yes, unpublished, but I’m working on that), both quantitative and qualitative, clearly shows that single mothers are pretty much on their own, while single fathers are not just offered social support, but are to some extent monitored to ensure their parenting is “up to scratch”.

This all leads me to think about some common myths about single mothers that I am privileged to hear about because of my research. Let me try to debunk some of those myths here.

Myth One: Single mothers are fine, they know how to parent, and they can cope on their own. Sure, sometimes this is actually correct. I’m not saying mothers are competent or incompetent by virtue of their relationship status alone. However, sometimes mothers would appreciate some help, and that is especially true for single mothers. In trying to do it all, they often suffer from burnout a lot sooner than coupled mothers, so sometimes they would like you to pick their kids up from school, or drop a casserole around, or remind them about Book Day, Sports Day, Whatever Day.

Myth Two: If a single mum wants help, she’ll ask. Nuh-uh. Nope. Very often she will not ask for help. Why? Because if she asks for help, it is likely that you will view her as a failure as a parent, as a mother, and as a woman, because many women equate successful adulthood with being a “good” mum. Verbal reassurances that that is not what you think are pretty much like the proverbial water off a duck’s back. She thinks you are judging her. Whether this is right or not is irrelevant. You can help by offering support, rather than wait to be asked. (This is actually true of all parents. Just because they look like they have their shizzle together, doesn’t mean they have. But that’s another blog post [again])

Myth Three: Single mothers become single mothers on purpose for social security payments. Okay, people who think this have obviously never tried to survive on social security payments. Of any sort. The amount of money the government allocates to people in need – single parents, the unemployed, the disabled – is a joke. People can barely survive on those payments; they certainly don’t get rich on them. In the (literally) thousands of stories I have heard from parents, I have never heard anyone say they enjoy being dependent on government payments, nor have I ever heard anyone say they are able to survive easily on them.

Myth Four: Single mothers do not try hard enough. They drop their kids at school, then they go home and sit on the lounge all day, watching television, and eating chocolates. Right, please refer to Myth Three, above. Firstly, they can barely survive on the payments handed out by the government. Secondly, every single mother I have spoken to (I’ve lost count, but it would be 300+) tells me how she is studying to get extra qualifications to try to be better employed in the future, and/or she is contributing to society via volunteer work, and/or she is in paid employment. Apart from an innate desire to be free of government payments, social security payments are tied to the above anyway (that is, in order to receive welfare, single mums must be studying, in paid employment, or enrolled in a program that somehow makes them more likely to be employable, or gives them parenting “skills”). The problem lies in the fact that there are not enough paid positions that work in with school hours. And they have to work in with school hours, because, hello, they’re single mothers, which by definition means they are solely responsible for childcare outside of school hours.

Myth Five: I better keep an eye on my husband, because single mothers are just lying in wait to snatch him away from me. Actually, no, they are probably not. First of all, many single mothers are single mothers because of previous domestic violence, and I’m pretty sure they are in no hurry to jump back into a relationship for fear of a repeat performance. Secondly, your husband isn’t that great, and if he is, he’s not going to be easily snatched away from you. Thirdly, you’re assuming that all single mothers are hetero. Surprise! They’re not. Fourthly, single mothers of young children are too tired keeping all the balls in the air, and do not have the time or energy to be pursuing men. Fifthly, by assuming that single mothers are waiting for the first opportunity to hook up with a married man, you’re actually voicing your bias; you believe single mums are immoral.

So, what can you do to help? The message that I push in regards to parenting in general once again applies here. Offer a helping hand. Don’t be patronising. Don’t be a Judgy McJudgeface. Just be a decent human being, and offer to help. Pay it forward.

PS. Single dads, I haven’t forgotten you. I’ll be blogging about you next.

The Myth of the Perfect Parent

We all know the “perfect” parent, right? Perfect parents are a socially determined ideal, who never gets things wrong. Also known as “good” mothers and “good” fathers, they are pervasive in parenting ideology. Good mothers, through self-discipline, self-sacrifice, and self-control, will have happy children who will go on to lead happy fulfilled lives. Good fathers are breadwinners. They don’t need to know how to parent well, because that’s what good mothers are for. If your child doesn’t behave “properly”, then y’all not trying hard enough as parents. We all know these parents: they live in text books, social media, and advertising. Psssst! The perfect parent isn’t real.

How did we get here? It’s been a long and well ingrained socialisation process. I could actually write a thesis on this topic. Wait! I did…. So I’ll try to summarise. At the start of the twentieth century, there was a rise in the number of “experts” who dictated how to be the perfect parent. We got an influx of parenting books that gave us (especially mothers) sometimes conflicting advice on how to be the perfect parent. Or at least a “good” parent. Media such as television, movies, and advertising only served to reinforce these myths. Think about the Brady Bunch. You might thing we’ve come a long way since then, but no. Mothers in Television Land control the domestic front, even if they are in paid employment. For example, while Modern Family broke so many stereotypes (and good for them), there’s Claire, right in the middle of things, sorting everything out while looking fabulous. Other television mums who control the family: Marg Simpson, Marie Barone, probably every television family you can think of. It’s subtle, it’s almost subliminal, it’s pervasive.

By the end of the twentieth century, and with the 21st century marching on, there was definitely a “right” way to parent. The problem is, the “experts” seem to disagree on what this looks like, and just as you think you’ve got the hang of it, the goal posts move. It gets worse when your instinct and/or parenting style conflicts with the “experts” and/or other parents. Beaten down by a combination of hormones, tiredness, and second guessing – after all, if everyone else is doing it that way, surely they can’t all be wrong? – parents succumb to self doubt, and the ideals of the “perfect” parent are reinforced.

The fun part (#NotFun) comes when you realise it’s not just experts, family and friends who apparently know the right way to parent, but also strangers. Almost every parent I have spoken to (literally thousands when you consider my personal contacts, my research, and social media) has received unsolicited parenting advice from strangers. If you don’t believe me, go to a shopping centre and watch what happens when a toddler throws a tantrum, a child starts squealing, or a parent starts shouting.

So, there is definitely a link between being a good parent and how the child behaves, and if the child doesn’t achieve whatever it is they are supposed to achieve, well, the parents didn’t try hard enough. Being the Perfect Parent is an impossible ideal. Why? First of all, because you’re not a perfect person. Parents all make mistakes. And that’s okay! It’s not the mistake itself that’s important, it’s how you deal with it. How you deal with your imperfect parenting is modelling behaviour for your child. Secondly, the ideals are not clearly cut. I’ll give you an example. We all know “breast is best” right? This of course, means women who are unable to breastfeed have already failed Mothering 101. There’s heaps of research that supports the benefits of breastfeeding, and I’m not arguing that. I’m just pointing out that for women who can’t breastfeed or choose not to breastfeed, that’s there’s heaps of research that shows feeding your baby is beneficial too. Okay, so we agree that breast is best. Except in public. And only until the child is [insert random age here]. Then it’s not best. See how confusing the simple act of feeding your baby is?

So here are my top tips. Firstly, hello, social media is not real. Social media allows people to project the image they want you to see. You don’t know what happens behind closed doors. I don’t care who you are, nobody has a perfect life. So stop trying to keep up. Which leads me to the next point. It’s not a competition. I see this happening all the time. One mother will say her child slept for eight hours, and you can almost see the other parents trying to figure this out. Are they supposed to say their own child slept for six hours or ten hours to win the competition? Okay, so parenting is not a competition. If you keep making it a competition, nobody wins. Lastly, it’s the big picture that counts. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Kids remember the general feel of childhood. They remember feeling loved, and happy, and secure, and safe. They don’t remember that on [insert random date] mum or dad lost their temper and started yelling. Live in the moment. Enjoy today. Enjoy your child’s enjoyment and wonder at the world. Maybe just stop and look at the water with him.

So, in short, you’re never going to be a perfect parent, so please stop trying. And the parents next to you? They’re not going to be perfect parents either, so please stop judging.

 

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